Friday, June 15, 2012

Bath Salts and FM RD 666

It’s Friday dolls!

Man that feels good to say, I’m going to cut my “Friday Favorites” short this week and just say that I am LOVING it’s Friday, and last night I survived my first night by myself in the new place. Quite an accomplishment for me. (We won’t go into detail how it took 1/3 bottle of wine to do so) Tonight I am having a date night with the Mister (Thank you BR for giving me that wonderful name idea) and tomorrow more unpacking, decorating, and fun with friends tomorrow night.(Again, won’t go into detail how irritated I am with one side of SOMEONE’s family for being so absolutely insane{that's a whole nother blog post}… did I mention Trevor will be OOT on Saturday night? J)

So enough about all that, I have a little story for you Ags….

As you all know if you read the blog last week or the week  before, this past weekend Housewife and I went to Cleburne, TX for HC’s lingerie shower. It was quite an experience but overall a fun day.

So after a fun lingerie shower and then closing down the Spice Rack, Housewife and I woke up at the crack of dawn 7:45AM to head back to Houston since she would be leaving for Disney World at 6 AM the next morning from Orange. We made it out the door just before 8 and figured we would be getting home before noon that day…

Issue # 1-We have both just recently came into the world of IPhones, and were both previously Droid users. With that being said, I love my IPhone but dear LORD do I hate their maps ap. It’s ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE in comparison to the Droid’s “Google Maps”. It doesn’t talk to you, it doesn’t re-route you if you get off course, and it’s “directions” at the bottom are absolute crap. Keeping all that in mind, we get past the Waco area and somehow manage to get turned around. For all you people from Dallas, shut your mouth, neither one of us are from there. This was also the first time either one of us had traveled to Cleburne from Houston. So back to the story, we’re lost trying to figure out how to get back to the road we are supposed to be on when WE (not the IPhone) restart the route and it decides to take us to FM RD 666, (we will just call it that for story purposes). SO we celebrate our navigating skills and continue on the path to civilization.

Issue # 2- As we get going on FM RD 666, we slow down for a truck turning left into a church and as we go to slowly move around him onto the shoulder, a crazy lady (we will call her bath salts from here on out for story purposes) flies around us, nearly swiping Housewife’s front end as she does. We say some choice words about bath salts and carry on with our ride. We figured since she was in such a hurry she would speed off and she wouldn’t be a concern anymore. WRONG, Bath Salts flies up to the two cars in front of us and rides their a$$es.

“Geez, just go around!”.

"No kidding, she is on their butts!"

I thought maybe she was just following the rules of the road of no passing more than one car at a time….what a stand out citizen. Finally the car in the middle of car # 1 and Bath Salts turns into a driveway and Bath Salts speeds up so quick to get behind car number 1, she had to slam on her brakes to not rear end it.

“Gosh! What is up with this crazy lady?!”

“Maybe it’s just some crazy person on their phone…”

At this point I am positive she will past Car #1 and be on her crazy ass driving way…but no…Bath Salts slows way down. Car #1 takes off never to be seen again and it’s just us and Bath Salts cruising down FM RD 666. Several times over the next 20-30 miles bath salts would speed way up…only to slow way down. Then she began swerving over the yellow line aka into incoming traffic A LOT! Several times the cars in the incoming lanes were having to slow down and move over. Bath Salts always moved over right before they got to her, but something CLEARLY was up with this chick.

“I wonder if she is drunk?”

“Could be…but it is 10 AM in the morning.”

 “Maybe she is on drugs?”

“Possibility….hopefully not on bath salts, don’t want to get eaten.”(Yup that is where the name came from)

Issue # 3- Have you ever been on a long car ride with one person (Typically in the middle of nowhere!) and one minute you are talking about this week’s gossip then the next you’re talking about things WAY heavier…for example…. Accidents or murders? Horrible stories that you have NO idea why you are even talking about? And like DETAILED stories, WAY TO DETAILED! Does anyone else do this and wonder “WHY THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!? I AM SO SAD, SCARED, FREAKED OUT, THANKING GOD FOR MY LIFE NOW!”.  Well that is where we were…discussing stories that should be left for when you’re NOT in a moving vehicle, in the middle of nowhere, traveling down FM RD 666, behind some crazy lady you have named Bath Salts.

Big Finale- Still following Bath Salts we arrive to a cross road of FM RD Don’tturnhereyou’lldie, (which go figure, our damn IPhones were telling us to turn down) and FM RD 666. There were blinking red lights facing us but not the cross road, therefor, by the laws of the road, we were supposed to stop, make sure cars weren’t coming, then cross/turn. Housewife was RIGHT in the middle of Horrible story #4 and had been talking for a good 10 seconds since we had stopped behind Bath Salts when I stopped her.

"Why hasn't this chick moved?" 

“No idea, but we have been sitting here for a while and there are no cars coming.”

“Honk your horn”.

Now let’s be honest, I was suggesting a TAP of the horn, Housewife went for the more aggressive approach….and LAID on the horn for 3 seconds. NOW important question here…what do you do when you get honked at? Flip people off? Jump? Give an  “I’m sorry” hand wave? MOVE IN ANYWAY!?!?! I'm betting you do. Well…Bath Salts didn’t move….at all. When I say it was the creepiest thing I have experienced this far in 2012 I mean it. She just kept looking straight forward hands on the wheel not moving. She didn't even flinch! At this point another 10 seconds have gone of us just being is shock at the situation when I tell Housewife in a very anxious voice that “L, We need to get out of here now!” The next moments all seem like it went by in fast forward. We didn’t really want to go around Bath Salts because at this point we feel like she is on bath salts and is probably going to kill us and dump us of on FM RD Don’tturnhereyou’lldie after she has us for breakfast but we wanted to get away so Housewife started backing up. It just so happens the car coming up behind us for some reason thought we were moving forward and was coming at us pretty fast before they slammed on their break once they realized we were moving backwards. HOWEVER, it wasn’t enough and she hit the back of us. I’ll admit it, we screamed. It scared the living daylights out of us. From way to deep stories to bath salts to minor accident, we had enough! The creepiest thing about all of that is Bath Salts still hadn’t moved! Crazy sat their until the car that hit us pulled over on the side of the road!!! Lucky for us, the lady that hit us was a nice southern lady in her mid-50’s who had hit a pig the week before and the front of her car was already messed up. With God on our side, there was no insurance exchange necessary.

Now I don’t know about you guys but I am a big believer in God’s timing. We both had to wonder if the reason we had to get hit by the lady was because the crazy in front of us really had snapped and was going to seriously try something. We wondered in the woman had hit the pig the week before so that it wouldn’t be a big issue when our accident happened. Makes you think……

We finally l made it back to Houston around 1:00, safe and sound. Thank the Lord for that.

Moral of the story is DON'T TRUST YOU APPLE GPS and stay away from crazies on Farm Roads.

Have a fun and SAFE weekend dolls.

P.S.-Just bought my first decor piece for our new house. It's a wine rack! Very fitting, don't you think? :)



  1. I just came across your blog and I am cracking up about the whole pig thing! I'm from Indiana and just moved to Houston (a week ago). I have never heard of someone hitting a pig but in Indiana the animal there to hit is a deer. This is great!

  2. Hello! haha about the pig. Yeah this kind of stuff totally happens in Texas. But don't worry I do not see that happening in Houston at all. Welcome to Houston and thanks for the comment! :)